Attention my loyal followers!

I have decided to up and leave from 700 years as it's kind of dead, and I want to start with a fresh, energetic, motivated outlook on my new blog, which won't all be "Oh my god I miss him so much please kill me". So to read my new ramblings on life have an ol' stroll over to http://wintertimeclothes.blogspot.com

Thank you people! :D

What is this?

I can't write too much. I can't give the game away. But this feeling is consuming my whole body that I have to express it in whatever way I can. I don't know him well. I don't socialise with him. But I do know that I love him. I don't know in what way though. I told him something that made him love me, but of course when he did love me, I didn't appreciate it.

For reasons I can't go into, we can't be together. Not for a long time anyway. For now I'm going to have to be content with the little communication I have with him. I cherish those moments. I cherish those conversations. I wish it could last forever and that we could spend the rest of our lives talking. But I know it can't. And I know I can't have him to myself either. I'm not the only person who loves him. The worst part is that I don't even know who I'm competing with. I don't know in what way I love him so even if I could, I can't act on any of my feelings, for fear that I may make a wromg move and ruin our relationship forever.

But what relationship? Is there one? Or is it all in my imagination? No, I know it's not. I know that we have (had?) a connection. I could talk to him, really talk to him, about absolutely anything. There was nothing I felt I had to hide, or not say. I could ask him advice, tell him random stories or just chat. He cheered me up, and to an extent, still does.

You may wonder what has changed, but I can't really say. The most I can divulge is that our method of communication temporarily broke, and so we had to find other ways to talk, methods that weren't as intimate or spontaneous. And perhaps he realised we'll never have the chance we deserve. But if us being together would make us happy, then who cares? Who gives a damn? Let society think what it wants to think. Let friends and family condemn us. Because, in the end, if it makes me, us, happy, it won't have been in vain.

My ex-best guy friend...

We were such amazing friends. No joke. We'd spend hours on the phone to each other. We'd spend hours with each other. But that's all gone. And yes, I know that's partly my fault. I know I took him for granted, and ignored him too much but I didn't mean to and it just got a bit fucked up. Not like there was any awkwardness or anything but there just wasn't as much communication between us. Now, admittedly he got a life in this period, so fair enough. But I dunno anymore. Sure I miss him, but it's not like I'm going to be crying myself to sleep over him. At all. And now that he's trying to be 'too mad' and whatnot I can't take it. Like he just thinks about other people way too much and he's far too insecure. I preferred the old him, when he did fuck all and was a good boy and all that jazz. But that all stopped and he thinks he's all this and all that. So whatever. I don't exactly need him anymore. It'd be nice to be good friends again but there's other people I'd be way more devestated to lose than him. So in a way it's a bit meh. If he wants to be good friends, I'm there, but if not I'm not going to be losing sleep. Because in truth, he's irritating me a bit at the moment. And I don't need that. There's another guy - I've mentioned him before - a friend, and if I lost him it'd be worse. And once this guy friend comes around and changes and goes through this trying to be in with the cool crowd phase, then maybe we can be friends. He's just too high maintainence right now, and I really can't deal with that. I'm not trying to be mean at all, I do like him. But he's being a prick, and that's the only conclusion I can come to.

I love...

So many more people I love. Or maybe just like. Who knows really? There's the guy a good few years older than me. He's goddamn fucking hot. Every time he passes and smiles my whole world lights up. I can't describe it. The fact that he's one of the nicest people I've ever met makes it all the harder. But what makes it hardest is the fact that he's taken. But I'm beginning to think it's not love, or even lust, on my part and that I just like him as a guy. Which would be good, because realistically he's too old. But I can still look at him. I can still smile everytime I see his name flashing up on the screen of my phone when he calls. Because it's little things like that that brighten up my day. That get rid of the monotony and make even the worst situation enjoyable. His looks, his personality, his style. He's cool. And the fact that I know him. That I chat to him. Well, that's good enough for me.

Deep breaths

I walked past the queue. As soon as I had a quick scan of the crowd and realised what was on I knew he would be there. I just knew it. I turned the corner and, of course, my suspicions were confirmed. It was the hair I saw first, hidden behind two others. I walked on a few steps further and I saw him. I saw him for the first time in a long while. I stopped for a split second. Our eyes locked together. I smiled and waved. He did some wave-type thing back to me, along with that smile I love so much.

And then I did one of the hardest things I've ever done. I kept walking. I walked away from him. I pulled against that force that draws me to him. I turned away, even though it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. I wanted to run over to him, and for him to take me in his arms like I was the only thing in the whole world that mattered to him. I wanted to stare into his eyes for hours, and most of all, I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to sit next to him and just be close to him; for our bodies to touch ever so slightly, and that spark of electricity to ignite.

But that didn't happen. Instead I kept walking. I left him behind and continued on. First of all, I pretty much kicked myself for not going to this same event. It would have given me the chance to talk to him, to see if that something was still there. Then I felt my heart breaking. I love that guy. And seeing him just reminds me of how good he made me feel the night I fell in love.

Thursday night.

So I'm sitting here at home on the Internet when I should be at an eighteenth. How sad. Is that. And I'm asking myself why I didn't go. It would have been an unreal night. Well for one I didn't really know anyone going, but that wouldn't necessarily stop me. To be honest, it's my parents.

And no, they didn't say no. They never even knew. I didn't tell them. And I guess that was stupid. But I just can't talk to them. I try, believe me, I try, but I don't enjoy it, so why should I bother. But then I try in other ways. I come home early, I don't get in trouble, I don't ask for too much. But they're never happy. Ever. And that makes me angry. And also stressed.

But it's not like they give out to me or punish me or anything. It's probably just me. But I try to make it as easy as possible for them. I sacrafice my own life for them. So that they can have a glass of wine, so that they can go to bed when they want. But what annoys me more than anything else is the fact that I get absolutely no thanks for it. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier for me to have been a problem child from day one, and that I'd have more freedom now as a result.

But no. I was always a good child. I got the best results in the class. I never stepped out of line. And this is the thanks I get. A self-inflicted stress because I'm too afraid to trouble my parents. And why? Why do I bother? I come home, and I want more than anything to get out of the house, to leave. But I can't, I'm stuck here. I do nothing whatsoever wrong, and still I'm met with this frosty reception for no apparent reason.

I really don't know what I can do. Once I'm back at school I'll have to study so any time I have at home will be spebt in my room, and I'll have a proper excuse. But I've gotten myself a job for the summer. Well hopefully for the summer anyway. I got this job for one reason. To buy freedom. Well as close as I can get to freedom anyway. There isn't a hope in hell of me staying at home when I'm incollege, but of course they want to keep me within their reach. But I am out of here. So in order to live my life I am spending the summer selling scratchcards on the street. I know you're probably saying it's years away but I need to start saving now. This is my future. Not my parents', but mine. They thnk they can keep me here by offering to buy me a car, but I don't want one. I have my plans made, and I know plans always change, but I highly doubt I'm staying at home.

I should look forward to going home. I should like it. It should be my safe haven. But I'm always on edge when I'm at home. Jumping at every door that opens, sinking even lower at the sound of someone's footsteps or voice. I don't even know why I'm so stressed when I'm here, but I am. And I want to get away.

I know that sounds seriously depressed and suicidal, but it's not like that. I love my parents, but they just don't GET it. I know I take them for granted but it's hard not to when you're sixteen years old, and there's a party on a few miles away that you should be at.

There's this person I need to talk to, but they're always too busy, and not by any fault of their own. But it's ok, because people, they make me happy. I love people. Meeting new people, talking to people, just being with people. That's the dream.

People who make me happy...

A day or two ago as I sat in one of my favourite cafés I made a list. I made a list of people in my life who make me happy. Then today I randomly met someone, and I realised I had completely forgotten to put him on the list. And perhaps at the time, if I had remembered, I may not have put him down on the list. But I saw him, and I felt happy. It was a really nice end to the day.

From the very first time I communicated wuth him, I knew I liked him, and I was right. Since then, I have got to know him so much better. I have liked him as more than a friend, and have even been annoyed with him. But one thing i can never deny is the fact that he never fails to cheer me up. He never fails to make me smile. He never fails to make me happy.

Neither of us would ever admit to each other that we are good friends, but I know we both know we are. Today I saw him and it was a surprise to both of us. We didn't talk for long, but while we were talking we were both smiling. And inside, we were dancing. Wow that's cheesy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wondered who I'll end up marrying. Apparently there's like a 90% chance that you'll marry someone you already know or something. This guy has always been a contender for me. I have liked him in the past but then quite recently I stopped. It became a friend thing only. Which I like. But I still think it's good to have some bit of sexual tension there. Because if that's not there, well, he'll just be like any other friend. Not that there's anything wrong with that either, but I just want something more, but something less, all at the same time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's one of the guys who make me happy.

My To-Do List for Summer 2009

1. Learn to drive.

2. Learn more songs on the guitar.

3. Try and get a job (optional).

4. Post on this blog regularly.

5. Get to know the person who makes me feel sea sick.

6. Get closer to a guy friend.

7. Go for more walks.

8. Get to know loads of people with OOO.

9. Put on an unreal gig for KAW. (KAW was freaking amazing..)

10. Sort all my shit for next year.

11. Take loads of photos.

12. Do the Theory Test.

13. Listen to more music.

14. Make more friends.

15. Find Robin.

16. Go to Fitzgerald's Park more often.

17. Find a new hot waiter (or get to know Julius).

18. Get fit (highly unlikely).

19. Do loads of free stuff that's on.

20. Go to the beach.

21. Try and get an FG and have a party (or have a party in a friend's FG...looking at you botch!)

22. Do some fun stuff by the sea.

23. Have a long overdue gathering.

24. Go to 14A in the mornings.

25. Make a short film. More than one actually.

26. Try and find some children that need babysitting.

27. Have a barbeque.

28. Get it into my parents' heads that I am moving out for college.

29. Go on a short holiday. To Clare or something.

30. Enjoy every second of freedom!

Funerals...

So as I mentioned already, I was at a removal on Saturday. It made me think about alot of stuff. Considering I didn't even know the deceased, it had a pretty big impact on me. I knew two of his immediate family, but one doesn't matter for the purposes of this blog. So I'm friends with the guy's grandson. I pay my respects, give him a hug as my numph cardigan touches his black suit. The contrast in our clothes mirrored our reasons for being where we were.

Afterwards we stood around outside for a minute. Two of my friends headed for home, and there were three of us left. This is all pretty irrelevant, so I don't know why I'm writing it. But it feels like I should tell the whole story, yet I don't want to bore you. I'll move on.

The first thing that affected me, I suppose you could say, was the absence of the grandson's friends. For a 17 year old guy, I was pretty shocked that not even his best friend turned up. Don't get me wrong, he's a pretty popular guy, and has his group of close friends. Which is one of the reasons I was so surprised at the lack of younger people there. The one that surprised me most of all was the fact that his best friend didn't show up. And it's not like he couldn't. I had been talking to him that morning and he was just hanging around for the day.

So what the fuck? I think it was seriously horrible, mean and selfish not to take half an hour to go to the removal even. And he wasn't going to the funeral either. I mean, I don't know the guy that well and I went partly because of him. I don't know, maybe 16 and 17 year olds don't generally go to their friends' family members' funerals but I thought it was a necessary mark of respect. I wouldn't think twice about going to any funeral of someone related to a friend.

So then this got me thinking. If I was in that situation, who would come to the removal or funeral for me? And I began discovering that alot of people would go. Or at least I think so anyway. I'm not trying to be cocky or anything. Not at all. It's just I know I have good friends that I can depend on. But that wasn't it either. I wasn't thinking just about my friends. I began realising that I know so many people, and I'm so thankful for every one of them. Ok, they wouldn't be coming to any funerals, but still, I know them. So I started telling the odd person 'thank you.' It's no harm.

Then today I was talking to a friend whoI wouldn't socialise with outside of the situation that I know her from. And she said to me that I had a very large social circle, that I was very socially developed or integrated or whatever. And I liked to hear that. Someone admiring the fact that I don't just talk to people aged between 15.83 and 17.25. Some not freaked out by the fact that many of my Facebook friends are over the age of eighteen. And I realised I'm goddamn glad that I know who I do.

This post really didn't work out the way I wanted it to. It didn't create the feeling that I wanted to create. The warm, fuzzy, happy feeling that I feel right now because of a few particular people, but another, subconscious feeling I have because of my wider social circle. I'll have to try describing it again sometime, because it's bloody amazing and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

The life and times...

It went downhill there for a day or so...but now I'm so focking happy. I don't even know why. Yesterday I updated my Facebook, informing everyone that I was sad and happy all at the same time. But then it was in a good way. Damn hard to explain, but that's just simply it. Of course, the reason for this new found happiness is, as ever, people. Lots of different people.

One I shouldn't really know. He shouldn't make me happy. But he does. In a nice way. And stuff got fucked up. And I thought it was over. And it was weird, but then in another way I didn't miss him as I thought I would because I didn't want to see him because it would just be awkward. But then yesterday stuff got fixed. And it made me really, genuinely happy. From that moment I knew the day would be good. Because even if nothing else happened, I would still have that. This person was also what was causing the sadness at the same time, but the thing causing the sadness was so damn insignificant that I quickly realised it was irrelevant. Talking to him made me smile. It made me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. And then I got some advice from this person about the other thing that was causing my previous sadness. Something I will remember.

This is a bit weird, but it does make alot of sense. I went to a removal yesterday. I didn't know the guy who had died, but I knew two members of his immediate from completely different situations. So I went to the church, along with four other friends. And the guy who came with us. I just don't know. I love him, I like him, I can't say. I've known him for too long to know whether I just like him as a friend or is it more. All I can say is this. Whenever he texts me, I text back. Whenever I see him, I just have to smile. Whenever he's there, I talk to him. Out of everyone else waiting outside, he's the one I go over to. When I'm waiting to be collected, he always waits with me. Whenever I ring him, he answers. Whenever I talk to him, I laugh. Whenever I'm near him, I move closer. It's all instinctive or something. I just can't help it, and no matter what he makes me smile. I just don't know whether this means it's a best friend-type realtionship or if we're destined to be more. All in know for sure is that he's someone I never want to lose. That's what's creating the questions. If we're just friends, and yet we think it's something more, and act upon that feeling, but then it ends up being nothin...will that fuck everything up forever? I know I'd regret that forever. But what if we are meant to be together, but we never take that leap because we're too afraid of fucking stuff up...and we end up missing out on the chance of a lifetime?

After that last paragraph, everything else pales in significance, but I have to continue. So there's this other guy. Slightly like the last, but now that I think about it, to a far lesser extent. I text him. Again, when he sees me, he smiles. I guess I smile too. I'm not around him in person enough to actually know whether there's something real there. But even if there was, it wouldn't last. he has too much going on in his own life to be taking care of a girlfriend. We probably couldn't put up with each other. His friends aren't the best. Maybe someday...but not now.

Then there's this other guy. I haven't known him that long. He's nice. He dresses well. He has unreal arms. He flirts with me, and doesn't put huge effort into disguising it. There's apparently something happening there. I didn't arrange it, but I've been told it's happening. He is nice, I do like him, that's the truth. But I don't like him as much as I should. And I'm thinking that's probably because I've got him. I could say the word right now and that's it. We're together. It's too easy. There's no challenge there. But why not go for it. It's summer and I deserve to have a bit of fun. If we keep it casual it's all good.

And now there's the guy I've left til last. And I did that on purpose. I don't know him. We know each other to see. He knows where he knows me from. We're on nodding terms at the moment I think. I like him. I liked him from the moment I laid eyes on him. He just gives off this aura that I can't resist. It's like I know I like him, even though I don't know him. And the thing is, we're pretty similar. We have the same beliefs. We like the same music. We fit into the same stereotype. We're in the same situation friend-wise (I think). So in the back of my head there's this tiny little niggling hope that it could just work out. And on Friday, I'll know. And he's the one I'm going for right now. I guess it's bad that I'm putting the last guy off for this guy. It's like the last guy's my safety net in case this guy that I really want doesn't work out. And that's bad. Really bad. But as I said, he'd only be casual, so what harm? This guy, I could imagine bringing home to my parents. I could imagine him being really nice, kind and gentle. I could imagine us wandering around town together. It's all here in my head, perfectly worked out. If it happened, it would be absolutely perfect. It's not lust, it's not friendship. I like him. For real. No ifs, buts and maybes here. He's who I should be with. If only he'd see it that way too.

Happiness.

Those little things that make you smile are the very things that keep you plodding on day after day. 

The way the girl in the coffee shop knows just how you like your coffee. 

The twinkling of your phone as you get a text from a friend you haven't talked to in ages.

Seeing that person that you talk to about music.

Seeing that person you really shouldn't know at all, but you do.

How that stranger smiled at you for no apparent reason.

When that guy held the door open for you and then you started talking to each other in the queue.

Getting on to the bus and seeing a free seat next to that person you don't see very often at all.

Going into that shop for a chat instead of buying anything.

Hearing your favourite song in the car on the way home.

Going up to the counter and discovering whatever you're buying has been reduced.

Getting a phone call from family on the other side of the world.

Falling in love with someone you barely know, and all that that brings with it.

Being complimented on your style or hair or clothes or anything at all really.

Hugging that friend of yours that you just love to hug.

Catching up with an old friend over brunch.

Making new friends at lunch.

Getting involved in new things.

Looking through old photographs as the memories come flooding back.

Waking up to shining sun and blue skies, just knowing the day is going to be good.

Lying on a blanket in the park, gazing up at the blue skies, with that person you want so badly.

When accidentally you brush off that same person and you could swear you feel a spark. For real.

Realising that life is good, no matter what!

Life. As in real life.

Yeah, real life. Not the fantasy world that is created by film directors, writers and dreamers.  I'm talking about everyday, run of the mill life. That thing experienced by you and me 24/7. Let's be honest, at times it sucks. Bigstyle. It can turn your world upside down, twist your insides, muddle your brain and leave you feeling like you never want to see the light of day again. But isn't that what makes life worth living? Of course not. You're hardly going to agree if you're in this situation right now; if all you want to do is stay in bed for the rest of your life. And I guess that's only fair. When life comes and ruins everything, what more can you be expected to do? You're only human, and you can only be so strong; you can only put up with a certain amount of shit. And then you're out. Who would blame you.

But what if you have someone to blame. Not just a person you found to blame for no fault of their own. No. A person who actually caused all the damage. Who fucked you around worse than anyone else ever before. Someone you love and care about. Someone who loves and cares about you. But how could they do that. How could they be so damn selfish. You told them, time and time again not to do it, and only for their own good. They listened at the start, but then they told you to shut up. And they threw your advice back in your face, and went off and fucked up their lives more than they could imagine.

That's not all. Yeah, their own life is ruined pretty much forever, but's its effects spread further than that. Your whole world is turned upside down, and you're left reeling at what's yet to come. And you love them and hate them all at the same time. Love them because they're them, and because they need you now more than ever before, but hate them because you warned them, told them, showed them, ordered them and they never listened. And now everyone's feeling the pain. How could they be so stupid. And all for that stupid fucking reason that they regretted and hated and loved and longed for all at once.

Then you realise how you just want to cry. You want to make it all go away. You want to take away their hurt. You want to hold them in your arms and tell them it will all be okay, when in reality, no one knows. You want to go back to before, to before this was ever an issue, and everyone was happy. But you can't. You never can. It's here now and it's here to stay. You're in it for the long haul because, despite everything, they still mean the world to you, and if keeping your mouth shut and not saying 'I told you so' makes them feel better you'll do just that. When deep down you want to scream at them for being so ignorant, so stupid, so childish, so selfish. But how can you when they look at you like that, and you see them like you've never seen them before. 

You just have to be there, and realise that everyone makes mistakes. Only some are bigger than others.

Many months later...

Since my last post here I have started another blog. You may, or may not, have read it. However, I do not want it linked in any way with this, so you'll never actually know whether or not you're reading it. Unless you're Caroline of course.

Seeing as I've been neglecting this for so long, I think it's fitting for me to take a look at how I've changed since September, essentially, over the course of TY. 

1. I have most definitely changed as a person, and in my opinion, for the better. To sum it up in an extremely stereotypical way, I have become more indie/indy (depending on your own beliefs). My style, beliefs and attitudes have changed. I've learned never to judge people by their appearances. Completely contradicting that, I've become attracted to a certain style, but in the good way.

2. I've lost old friends, and made new ones. I've become closer to a certain few who know who they are. Friends make me happy. I know more people now, from different circles and, of course, age groups. 

3. I've listened to lots of new music. I've put on gigs with spectrum[29] and Coolaboola. I've fallen in love with Plugd Records, and this is most certainly not an exaggeration. I've gotten to know many people through the music 'industry' and that was probably the best thing about this year.

4. Coolaboola. I genuinely feel it deserves its own entry here. Coolaboola was my first real experience of putting on all-ages gigs in venues like the Pav and Cyprus Avenue. I had an absolute blast, and I really do hope it can continue. I got to know so many amazing people through Coolaboola. Coolaboola is such an asset within the Cork music scene and people need to realise that and support the gigs. Thank you Lorna.

5. I went through a phase of being obsessed with the PRoC. I posted alot, and begain talking to the odd PRoCcer. This is now sort of over, but it was still a part of this year, so had to be included.

6. The experiences in school were educational, valuable and fun. Being secretary of the fashion show committee was pretty unbelievable. I got a real feel for event management among many other things, and had a ball on the night itself.

7. Probably my highlight within school was being editor of the magazine 'ink'. The months spent at that magazine probably were the most valuable of the year. I am not afraid to say that I worked fucking hard to get that magazine published. I slaved away at my laptop editing articles, coming up with the design and just putting it all together and tying up every loose end. But I feel so lucky to have been elected editor. It was such a rewarding experience, and it gave me a real hunger, one could say, to do journalism. 

8. My next TY event was of course the infamous 'Razzle Dazzle' (i.e. Chicago), our musical. I auditioned for the laugh, sang a British indie-pop song...and lo and behold got the enviable part of Miss Velma Kelly. How many times I contemplated dropping out...and how many times I didn't. Thank you MK, for stopping me that one time I was actually walking up to Ms. Mulcahy to drop out. In the end, it was a blast. I amused people at least, and I conquered my fear of public singing. Before Chicago, I would never have sung in public, but now, seeing as people have already heard me, I don't mind. And I also have a few party pieces!

9. I fell in love yet again. This time with a restaurant, and more specifically, its waiting staff. Week after week, I had lunch there, forcing my reluctant friends to somehow spare €6.95 so that I could look at him, talk to him, smile at him, giggle at him, be massaged by him, talk about him, wave to him. His name I won't say, but he was a Parisien. Oh how romantic! Then, one weekend, he was no more. We saw him busking on the street, and that was the last time I ever laid eyes on him.

10. Next up was Paris...for real. I loved it there, for more reasons than one. It is, of course, a beautiful city, filled with stunning architecture and tangible culture. The first time abroad without my parents. But, subconsciously, there was something else. Paris held *special* meaning for me...I was close to him. I suppose Caroline and Hannah would say it wasn't so subconscious. Especially if the sexy bed times were anything to go by. And of course we saw an amazing city, and all in all, had a blast.

11. We had adventures, in the literal sense. As in trips to adventure and activity centres...Oysterhaven, Cappanalea and the lovely Kenmare! They were all such a laugh, and I loved most, if not every, second!

12. Work Experience was pretty cool too. My first week in Tubes was such fun. It was easy-going, yet I learned alot, and met the lovely Hugh! I seriously did not want to leave, thinking I would hate week two. But what a lovely surprise that was. Law really intersts me too, and I got to see and do so much with the solicitor's firm. They let me read files, brought me to court, trusted me with reception, were really nice to me, and gave me €100 at the end of it all. The eye candy wasn't the worst either!

13. I fell in love, I fell out of love. I longed for, I recieved. I wished for, I never got. I loved, I was loved. But every minute of it was worth it. Every minute was part of a bigger learning curve. One I particularly enjoy.

14. Even though I don't realise it too much, I guess I did become alot more independent, and I do have more freedom than I used to. That is inevitable with the passage of time, but it's good to reflect on it too. 

I know I've forgotten stuff, and I will be back with more. But for now I hope that didn't bore you to much, because if you're reading this, you propbably know it all anyway!