The life and times...

It went downhill there for a day or so...but now I'm so focking happy. I don't even know why. Yesterday I updated my Facebook, informing everyone that I was sad and happy all at the same time. But then it was in a good way. Damn hard to explain, but that's just simply it. Of course, the reason for this new found happiness is, as ever, people. Lots of different people.

One I shouldn't really know. He shouldn't make me happy. But he does. In a nice way. And stuff got fucked up. And I thought it was over. And it was weird, but then in another way I didn't miss him as I thought I would because I didn't want to see him because it would just be awkward. But then yesterday stuff got fixed. And it made me really, genuinely happy. From that moment I knew the day would be good. Because even if nothing else happened, I would still have that. This person was also what was causing the sadness at the same time, but the thing causing the sadness was so damn insignificant that I quickly realised it was irrelevant. Talking to him made me smile. It made me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. And then I got some advice from this person about the other thing that was causing my previous sadness. Something I will remember.

This is a bit weird, but it does make alot of sense. I went to a removal yesterday. I didn't know the guy who had died, but I knew two members of his immediate from completely different situations. So I went to the church, along with four other friends. And the guy who came with us. I just don't know. I love him, I like him, I can't say. I've known him for too long to know whether I just like him as a friend or is it more. All I can say is this. Whenever he texts me, I text back. Whenever I see him, I just have to smile. Whenever he's there, I talk to him. Out of everyone else waiting outside, he's the one I go over to. When I'm waiting to be collected, he always waits with me. Whenever I ring him, he answers. Whenever I talk to him, I laugh. Whenever I'm near him, I move closer. It's all instinctive or something. I just can't help it, and no matter what he makes me smile. I just don't know whether this means it's a best friend-type realtionship or if we're destined to be more. All in know for sure is that he's someone I never want to lose. That's what's creating the questions. If we're just friends, and yet we think it's something more, and act upon that feeling, but then it ends up being nothin...will that fuck everything up forever? I know I'd regret that forever. But what if we are meant to be together, but we never take that leap because we're too afraid of fucking stuff up...and we end up missing out on the chance of a lifetime?

After that last paragraph, everything else pales in significance, but I have to continue. So there's this other guy. Slightly like the last, but now that I think about it, to a far lesser extent. I text him. Again, when he sees me, he smiles. I guess I smile too. I'm not around him in person enough to actually know whether there's something real there. But even if there was, it wouldn't last. he has too much going on in his own life to be taking care of a girlfriend. We probably couldn't put up with each other. His friends aren't the best. Maybe someday...but not now.

Then there's this other guy. I haven't known him that long. He's nice. He dresses well. He has unreal arms. He flirts with me, and doesn't put huge effort into disguising it. There's apparently something happening there. I didn't arrange it, but I've been told it's happening. He is nice, I do like him, that's the truth. But I don't like him as much as I should. And I'm thinking that's probably because I've got him. I could say the word right now and that's it. We're together. It's too easy. There's no challenge there. But why not go for it. It's summer and I deserve to have a bit of fun. If we keep it casual it's all good.

And now there's the guy I've left til last. And I did that on purpose. I don't know him. We know each other to see. He knows where he knows me from. We're on nodding terms at the moment I think. I like him. I liked him from the moment I laid eyes on him. He just gives off this aura that I can't resist. It's like I know I like him, even though I don't know him. And the thing is, we're pretty similar. We have the same beliefs. We like the same music. We fit into the same stereotype. We're in the same situation friend-wise (I think). So in the back of my head there's this tiny little niggling hope that it could just work out. And on Friday, I'll know. And he's the one I'm going for right now. I guess it's bad that I'm putting the last guy off for this guy. It's like the last guy's my safety net in case this guy that I really want doesn't work out. And that's bad. Really bad. But as I said, he'd only be casual, so what harm? This guy, I could imagine bringing home to my parents. I could imagine him being really nice, kind and gentle. I could imagine us wandering around town together. It's all here in my head, perfectly worked out. If it happened, it would be absolutely perfect. It's not lust, it's not friendship. I like him. For real. No ifs, buts and maybes here. He's who I should be with. If only he'd see it that way too.